


Unsteady

by starry_eyyyed



Category: Gangsta. (Manga)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Disabled Character, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Trauma, F/M, Gen, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mild Gore, Multi, Nightmares, Polyamory, Psychosis, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 13:28:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5129351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starry_eyyyed/pseuds/starry_eyyyed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hold on to me, 'cause I'm a lil unsteady.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> I got into Gangsta so to kick off my first fic in the fandom, a little angst and emotional trauma; my specialties.
> 
> Also, there's some mild gory descriptions, nothing too severe (at least I don't think so but I'm pretty numb to those kind of things) but if you're sensitive to gore I suggest skipping that part!

Nicolas awoke with a start. He shot out of bed, skin clammy and short, raspy and panicked breaths escaped his throat, albeit they were noiseless to him. His eyes darted about the dark room, desperately scanning for the shadowy figure that had crawled out of the dark recess of his mind and paralyzed him with fear. What he saw in his nightmare, the dead, broken bodies of Alex and Worick, flashed before his eyes once more, every gory and bloody detail seemingly crystal clear. Everything was a panicked jumble in his head, but he knew for sure that he saw them die, he watched them die, and he couldn't do  _anything._ The figure from his nightmare was a burlesque and boorish animal, with a yellowed and gnarled smile and whose mouth ran red with the blood of his lovers. He could see it now, perched in the corner with raised haunches and bristled fur, its mouth curved into a morbid cheshire smile, thick droplets of blood dripped onto the barren floor of his room. Nicolas shut his eyes, jerking violently away to avoid looking at the horrid thing, a strangled scream ripped out of his throat. The creature wouldn't leave. Even as he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, causing his vision to go dark and spotty, the  _thing_ sat in the corner, unnervingly still. He was racketed with shaky sobs, the mangled corpses of Alex and Worick lay on his bedroom floor, glassy eyes burning holes into his soul. His only coherent thoughts burned into his mind with a ferocious guilt.

**_I couldn't save them. I did nothing. I killed them._ **

The phrase repeated over and over, a sick twisted mantra his subconscious had devised. His eyes were screwed shut, large calloused hands, clutched desperately at his shirt, looking for a way to pull him out of his mind. He suddenly felt a gentle touch along his forearm, and cautiously opened one eye, expecting full well for the creature to have placed a calming hand on him before viciously striking. What he saw however, was Alex, hair mussed up and bags under her eyes, but shocking blue irises scanning him for injuries. Her eyes were full of empathy and compassion. Nicolas, through a slew of tears that had sprung up, quickly moved in to embrace her, strong yet shaky arms pulling her closely as he buried his face into the crook of her neck like a frightened child. Shaky whimpers and gasps escaped from his lips, and Alex moved a soothing hand along his broad back. She leaned further into the embrace, soothing Nicolas with low hums that she knew he couldn't hear, but feel. Her fingers combed through his thick and oily hair, the warmth from Alex's body bringing him closer to reality. He slowly loosened his grip around her torso and moved away, eyes sore and raw, gazed into hers. This wasn't the first time Alex has had to calm Nicolas down, but no matter how many nights he spent in a delusional frenzy, she could never get used to how raw and hurt his gaze was. His hands twitched, almost as if he was about to sign something, but he curled them into tight fists that rested on his thighs. His gaze fell to his hands, knuckles white and thumbs locked on the inside. Alex gingerly tilted his chin up so that he could read her lips.

"What happened?" One hand ran up and down his arm calmly, and the other carefully caressed his face to ensure he would understand her through the darkness.

 _Nightmare_ , he signed hastily. He knew she would ask what it was about, but he couldn't bring himself to answer the question she was about to ask. Instead she nodded and slowly got up from the creaky bed frame. A brief moment of panic coursed through Nic's veins, the fear that tonight was the night she would leave, that she would give up on him and walk out to never return. It was only a moment though, when her arm extended and she offered her hand to Nicolas. His hand engulfed hers as she pulled him up and out of bed. She slung one of his arms over her shoulder and snugly wrapped the other around his waist. Nicolas was too shaken up to protest.

"Let's go upstairs," she mouthed. He nodded solemnly.

-

The fluorescent white light of the kitchen was a drastic change from the pitch blackness of the basement. After his eyes had adjusted, he saw Worick's figure shuffling about the room, sleepily making a pot of tea and retrieving a tin of assorted sweets from the pantry. Alex led Nic to one of the chairs and assisted him with sitting down, and although he was perfectly capable of settling into a chair by himself, it was nice to be tended to every once in a while. She brought a tray of steaming mugs and Worick was munching on a miniature cookie. She nestled into the chair next to Nicolas and pushed a cup of chamomile tea towards him and snagged a tiny cookie that looked like a rose. He couldn't help but to smile at the sight before him, the two people he loved the most, awake in the wee hours of the morning just to assure him that everything was alright.

Wait, _this_ was the problem -

_Oh no. Oh NO._

The images of their mauled corpses were now as vivd as ever. They sat upright in the chairs Alex and Worick were just momentarily situated in. Instead of the adoring and comforting faces of his partners, they were drenched in blood, Alex's flesh was barely hanging on, ribbons of skin hung from her face and her jaw was torn off, leaving a deep red mess of exposed throat and broken bones. Worick was bleeding out, small intestine and stomach prominently spilling out of the deep cut in his abdomen. Their faces frozen in terrified looks, soaked in blood and covered with dirt and grime. Nicolas gripped his mug so tightly that it shattered in his hands, scalding tea burning his hands, but he couldn't move. A deep, gravely voice bellowed out a single phrase that sent a wave of fear over him.

**_"It was because you loved them, you monster, you made yourself vulnerable. You cant afford to love them, you'll only hurt them."_ **

Then, the figure that had sat and lay watch over him emerged out of thin air, only now, it was his face on its horrible body. He was a monster, something that didn't deserve love. He would only end up hurting them. He couldn't bear to look any longer upon the bodies of his lovers, upon the horrible beast he was made out to be. He began to tremble again and doubled over as a sob shook his entire body. He couldn't feel his burned hand, nor the shards of ceramic that were still embedded into the meat of his hand. He felt two pairs of hand fly to him; he refused to open his eyes out of fear that it was the bloody versions of Alex and Worick that would greet him. His primal instincts were screaming at him to  _get out, for the love of everything good and holy get the fuck out before something happens to them._ He couldn't bring himself to put up a fight, to kick and dash out the door. He could only lie there, hunched over and sobbing pitifully. To think that something that was seen as an attack dog, something to be weary of, something inhuman and vile, was sobbing at the mere thought of his loved ones dying was a sight to behold. _  
_

Alex tried her best to soothe Nicolas with gentle strokes on his back and arms, while Worick frantically looked for a pair of tweezers, dressing bandage and antiseptic to clean out Nicolas's freshly acquired wounds. When the taller man had scavenged the bathroom for essentials, as well as grabbing a few downers, he handed them off to Alex and lifted Nicolas gently. He carried the shorter man to his and Alexs' shared bed, and propped him up by the window. Alex managed to set the first aid supplies on the nightstand and crawl into bed before Nicolas so that she could hold Nicolas and keep his back and head against her chest. Nicolas was still sniffling and refused to open his eyes. His entire body was tense and rigid, still shaking from his meltdown. 

Alex ran her hands up and down Nicolas' arms, leaving a trail of gooseflesh in their path. She began to sing softly, hoping the vibrations from her ribcage would help bring Nicolas back to the real world and free him from whatever hellish nightmare his mind had cooked up.

She began to serenade the Benriya with her modulated words of a song she had heard on the radio a while ago.

 

  
_"Hold, hold on, hold onto me_  
_'Cause I'm a little unsteady_  
_A little unsteady_  
_Hold, hold on, hold onto me_  
_'Cause I'm a little unsteady_  
_A little unsteady_

_Mama, come here_  
_Approach, appear_  
_Daddy, I'm alone_  
_'Cause this house don't feel like home..."_

As Nicolas felt the even, soothing vibrations he cracked open his eyes to find Worick looking at the pair lovingly, and tenderly running his fingers through Nicolas's hair. Nicolas moved to sign, but upon feeling the ceramic that was still lodged in his hand, he winced. 

 _Let us take care of you_ , Worick signed slowly. Nicolas nodded.

In an attempt to ignore the pain of the pieces of broken mug being removed from his hand, he pressed his head closer to Alex's chest as she continued her singing. He couldn't hear anything, but she was beautiful when she sang, the moonlight illuminating her features and the deep vibrations from her chest cavity enticed him.

_"Mother, I know_  
_That you're tired of being alone_  
_Dad, I know you're trying_  
_To fight when you feel like flying_

_But if you love me, don't let go_  
_If you love me, don't let go_

_Hold, hold on, hold onto me_  
_'Cause I'm a little unsteady_  
_A little unsteady_  
_Hold, hold on, hold onto me_  
_'Cause I'm a little unsteady_  
_A little unsteady..."_

_-  
_

It was an hour after the incident in the kitchen when Nicolas had disclosed what he saw, and after a good forty minutes of soft kisses and reassurances, Nicolas as well as Alex and Worick felt, for the first time in a long time, at peace. All three Benriya were huddled together in the tiny bed, Nicolas' head still resting against Alex's chest as she hummed softly and played idly with his hair. It had been such a long time since Nicolas had opened up to the either of them that they felt instinctively more protective towards the Twilight. They knew he wasn't a brutish thug, nor a horrendous monster. They knew they loved him. They knew he knew this too. That's why, on nights where one of the Benriya would wake up with clammy skin and fear in their eyes, the other two would be there with open arms.

They were a troubled bunch. They were unsteady, but they all loved each other. They made it work.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is un-beta'd so any mistakes are my own! 
> 
> man, Unsteady by X Ambassadors just fucks me up tbh and i needed some angst where Nicolas was weak and vulnerable because you know that it has to happen every once in a while,,


End file.
